Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
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LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines