Broom by every window for quick escape.
You Might Also Like
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
A choir of Spring onions
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
black phone good
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness