Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
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WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11