Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
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”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Godspeed, John Glenn
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.