Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
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Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
no cat here
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.