@HousewifeOfHell

[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?

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@josh___grant

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

@sirivan

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

@mrtimlong

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

@Greg_1_Leg

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

@weinerdog4life

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

@RealCarrotFacts

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

@Robert_Beau

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

@venomjunkie2

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

@JElvisWeinstein

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother