[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?

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I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”


There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.


Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.


I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.


All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.


Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating


I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’


I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.


“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother