[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?![]()
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[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this![]()
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How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:![]()
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch