The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
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*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
For the ones in the back.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
forgive me baja for i have blast
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.