my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
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Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Harsh but fair
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR