gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
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An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
You are what you delete.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state