My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
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A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
What about second breakfast?
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather