Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
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[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
*pronounces patio like ratio
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom