Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
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My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*