Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
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If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.