[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
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Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
can’t wait til they legalize outside
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer