*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
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Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine