I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
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CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.