My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
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I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Don’t snitch tag.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron