Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
You Might Also Like
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you