[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
You Might Also Like
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Donkey Kong sommelier
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
oh u like geography? name every lake
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆