“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
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bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.