Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
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The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Actually cracking up @ this
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?