No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
You Might Also Like
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby