me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
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Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
😂😂😂
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….