When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
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I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
it must be school picture day
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.