Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
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When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
My flabber has been gasted.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*