great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
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I’m giving up for Lent.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak