You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
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I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Yup
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”