Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
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I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
The Book. The Movie.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks