@carlyken

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

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@Aspersioncast

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

@edfoxcomedy

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

@Parentpains

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

@DadandBuried

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

@daemonic3

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

@girlontapas

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

@CynicalTherapi1

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

@RdrJay47

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

@DCpierson

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

@DanMentos

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*

*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no