[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
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Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.