brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

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I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.


“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers


TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.


I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.


[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”



One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.


To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.


Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.


So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.


*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*

*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no