Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
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*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*