I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
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Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.