Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
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EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]