[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
You Might Also Like
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
sigh
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”