(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
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Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.