ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
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Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Well, this explains it:
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.