If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Can Happiness buy money?
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks