280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
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Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Nice try, NASA
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.