One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
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A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?