I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
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For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.