My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
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Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.