Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
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My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Dead sexy!!
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.