ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
You Might Also Like
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Iâm going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, âSorry, Iâm having trouble understanding you right now.â
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I donât care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, âthey scare me cause thereâs two of them!!â Same, buddy, same.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
*pours one out for my dad on Fatherâs Day*
*my dadâs ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
đYears
âđ 2022
âđ Good stuff
ââ ď¸ This folder is empty
The French really did the âthis is fineâ meme.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. Itâs inappropriate, and youâre talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasnât left my house in over 2 years* oh no
This edible ainât shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!