A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
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The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.