My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

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RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning


Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons


Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.


I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid


banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”


Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.


I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.


Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”


Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.


What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken