My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
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Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.