Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Ygrene

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

@Tmoney68

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

@prufrockluvsong

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.

@LaLuchaNix

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

@drewtoothpaste

banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”

@RidiculousSheri

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

@818Newbie

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

@Try2StopME

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

@BuckyIsotope

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.

@Mom_Overboard

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken