me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
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Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
okay run it by me one more time
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.