I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
You Might Also Like
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Every house has this drawer
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.