THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
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5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
He just like my cat fr
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Overindulged this afternoon.