If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
You Might Also Like
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.