maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
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Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
This could’ve been an email.