Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
You Might Also Like
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.